Tuesday, September 25, 2012

If You Shit You Don't See Rainbows And Other Lessons From Laguna Beach

Lesson #1: Work equals no whales.

It was our first morning in Laguna Beach.

"Is that a whale?" Jon asked.
"It is!" I screamed.
"Oh, Chris is going to be so mad, "Arica said, "Everyone that visits us sees a whale. We have been here a year and Chris hasn't seen one whale!"

Lesson #2: Paella Party

That night Arica and Chris' neighbors visited for Chris' famous paella. While slaving away I said to Chris, "This isn't a good dish to make when you have guests. You're stuck in the kitchen and you can't hang out with them."
"That is why I make it," he said as he pushed me out.

The Dutch doctor and the French actress arrived while I was inhaling cheese. 
"Here try this," the actress said handing me a glass of red wine, "It goes good with that cheese."
How did she know what cheese I was eating?
"I like white wine with creamy cheese," I said.
"Well I am french," she said.

To ameliorate the mutual bitchiness the Dutch doctor handed me a 400 year old bottle of wine hand selected from his wine cellar.
"Why don't you open this?"
"Don't mind if I do. Wax on or wax off?"
"The corkscrew will go right through it."

It went through it all right. I destroyed the cork.

I looked over at Chris who was cleaning the calamari.
"This isn't working," I said.
Chris got one look at the wine bottle and gave me the biggest eye roll, "Just stop! Give it to him."

The Dutch doctor's surgeon hands saved the bottle.

"Let's go look at the wine cellar!" Arica said.

A tour of the wine cellar turned into a tour of the entire house and we ended up in the gym looking at a machine that "does the work for you." After the actress turned it became clear that it was a giant vibrator.

I threw a leg on machine, in a lunge position to test it out.
"No sit on it!" Arica ordered. She was bouncing on a work-out ball.

So I sat right in the middle of it and had an all over body (and brain) orgasm.

"Ha-ave - you-ooh - guy-ays - fu-ucked - on-on- thi-is- thi-ing ye-et?" was all I could muster.

Lesson #3 Medical Marijuana

Since moving to California Arica got her medical marijuana card for her "insomnia" and aside from buying huge quantities of pot she gets all sorts of baked goods. On her father's recent trip she offered him a piece of pot fudge. The 3 inch square had 30 servings in it and the math in her head worked out to giving her Dad half the square.

After they had to carry him to the bedroom, he called out, "This is the cheesiest way to die!"

After hearing the story I went rifling through the refrigerator and found it. 
Chris begged me not to do it.

I broke off chunks and handed them around the table. 
"Arica doesn't get any," Chris said and popped a chunk.
"No thanks," said the Dutch doctor politely.
"I don't do pot," said the french actress with a pruney face, "my sister was a drug addict."
"So what? My brother was a dick, it doesn't stop me from being a dick," Jon said.

Lesson #4: Don't drink Scotch then fall asleep on the couch

Out came the Scotch and down went Jon and out came Arica's butt on my boyfriend's face.

"Hold on. Do it again. I have to get my camera," I said. 

Arica's leg muscles gave out and she sat on Jon's face.

"Is he dead?" she asked
"No he is just asleep," I said.

The neighbors disappeared. 

Next morning we woke up and Jon said "A rainbow!"
It stretched across the sky.

"Chris, Chris, come look, it's a huge rainbow!" Arica said.

Lesson #5: If you take shits, you don't see rainbows.

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