Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Why is there a dead bird carcass and all these crazy people here?

I am bringing Jon (new awesome BF) to Thanksgiving in Queens. Boy, is he in for it! Nonna is making her last lasagna - again! And we are going to wear these matching authentic guido track suits just for the occasion.

He knows the rules:

1. When Nonna asks, "you Italian?" he is encouraged to lie to her ninety year old face. And when she asks, "You gotta goo jobba?" he won't need to lie because he is a tree genius (Watch this amazing video.) Going into too much detail might confuse her, so in order to ice the crazy cake I will tell her he is a tree doctor. The word doctor is like a massage for an old Sicilian womens' brains. I grew up with, "Jane, why you no become-uh the doct-uh?" She still asks and I'm thirty and have been working as a professional photographer for a long time. I guess there is still hope.

2. Pace yourself but eat everything. He has been power eating over the last few days so he can finish the "last lasagna" followed by an entire thanksgiving meal, followed by cannolis, which are as unnecessary as lasagna on Thanksgiving. (Aren't we celebrating the pilgrims destroying native american culture and why sharing is very bad?) Unbutton your jeans or better yet wear a spandex waist band. Purge in the bathroom. Whatever it takes, but eat it all! Eating shirtless or in a wife beater is acceptable.

3. Don't try to count the cats. There are many nooks and crannies Marcy has hidden them in. If she does disclose the number, she likes you, but is most likely lying or has lost count. Keep the number confidential. And when Nonna bats them off the table with her leopard print cane, understand that while we are not animal abusers, Nonna is, and if you try to stop her, she may mistake your for a cat.

4. You will be interrupted and confused. Rocco mumbles in Italian and in English with his mouth full of food, but never chicken; he hates chicken. We don't know what he is saying, but if you do understand anything it's usually pretty demented and amazing. He will not listen to anything you are saying, but if it looks like he is listening he is actually waiting for you to stop talking so he can talk. And if you talk for too long he will interrupt you. If you talk about cameras, he will love you. And you will most likely be privy information regarding Charlie, the Catahoula dog's, extensive social life and stellar bowel movements. Nod and smile.

5. Among the five of us, there will be most likely ten conversations going at once. You will feel like you need headphones, the noise reduction type, so bring them. When the feeling of "Why is there a dead bird carcass and all these crazy people here?" sets in, make a run for it. We will all understand. You have a choice. We don't.

1 comment:

Soos said...

Too funny!

ALL families are dysfunctional!